It’s early in the morning again. Like the sun isn’t even up. It’s the second restless night that I have had in a row and I’m actually relieved. I think that I might finally be returning to normal and my creative energy might be starting to flow. My best thoughts and ideas come at night and in my dreams. For weeks now though my nights have been mostly dead silence and I barely recall them.
For months I feel like I have been treading water and not really going in any direction and not really caring. I totally feel like I am a bystander watching myself live my new life. The days seem to fly by and the rhythm of the routine is mindless and comforting. Each day seems to be similar to the previous one and tomorrow I know won’t be too much different.
The lack of activity and the move has been the perfect medicine to heal my troubled soul and my physical form. As I operate in the mindless routine my thoughts become still and I get to discover and find the pieces of me that have been lost for so long. The gift I get from the stillness is also the ability to add new pieces I never even considered.
I finally have found the key to unlocking my heart and my life. It’s called being honest or getting real. It’s inexpensive, doesn’t require prescriptions and it has immediate results. It does take great courage because it isn’t a quick fix or easy solution. It takes time to practice, to heal and uncover but it’s worth it and it becomes the sweet part of living. Honesty truly is the best policy.
When we are born life is given us and with that gift we inherit all of the physical DNA and the non-physical emotional DNA that comes with that body. We are born into a family of broken people, raised by broken people who are mortal. At some point in our journey on earth we must choose life.
Knowing if I can just bring forth what is inside me it will save me has brought me comfort but trying to draw it out and remember what is inside me hasn’t been very easy. I am a woman who like every other woman finds herself in a world of mixed messages. Telling me who I am supposed to be, how I am supposed be, what I am supposed to be and how that is exactly all supposed to look in a nice neat little package. A package that is impossible to permanently maintain because none of it is based on a strong foundational truth of who I really want to be.
It’s been 6 years and eleven months since I uttered the words “I want a divorce” and it was finally granted by the judge. My husband never gave me a divorce he never signed me away in the end the state did. He never wanted a divorce and said he would never give me one and that he would destroy me.
But, a spirit can only be destroyed if you give it up and I have fought to save my spirit and my children’s and if I have been able to weather my journey so can you.
So now I am free to just simply be me.